


Kindness to Bursars

by Elsinore_and_Inverness



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Assassins Guild, Caffeine Addiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:22:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26752042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsinore_and_Inverness/pseuds/Elsinore_and_Inverness
Summary: “It’s not something that I’m doing to you, Havelock,” Downey said without turning around. “I need to talk to Winvoe and you’ve been no help at all.”
Relationships: Lord Downey/Havelock Vetinari
Comments: 10
Kudos: 18





	Kindness to Bursars

Lord Downey had sent the last student who had come by in great distress, recounting a series of completely circular conversations she had had with the bursar, away with a cup of coffee and an imploration not to worry about it. 

The young woman had taken the coffee with desperate gratitude and the reassurance with deep suspicion. 

Mr Winvoe had always been a nervous man and after the business with the appearing and disappearing gold, it had only gotten worse. 

Students would ask questions about forms they had filled out or when fees were due and instead of answering he would ask them to explain what they were talking about and bring back the forms—which they had already given to him—or break down their questions to the minutest detail and claim not to understand. There were gaps in the paperwork leaving out such trivialities as what the tuition amount was and what it included.

So parents shouted at Downey and older students tiptoed around Mr Winvoe and seemed on the verge of nervous breakdown themselves, trying to pull numbers out of thin air to meet deadlines. Financial aid was beginning to seem to constantly be at risk of falling through.

Downey was aware that over at Unseen University, Ponder Stibbons had taken over managing the accounts.

What made it especially difficult to deal with was that Winvoe was about as sweet a person as someone could be while surviving decades as an Assassin.

Downey had called on the Provost to help decide what to do and the Provost had responded that he was “busy governing the city, come back later.”

After some thought, Downey began measuring out more coffee. He wouldn’t sleep that night, but he didn’t think he could face the bursar unfortified. 

One of the MA students earlier that day was so distraught at Winvoe not understanding his own spreadsheets that Downey had been concerned the boy was going to tear out his hair. 

“It’s ten o’clock,” a low voice said from the velvet shadows. “You had withdrawal tremors for two weeks last summer. Don’t do this to me again.”

“It’s not something that I’m doing _to you_ , Havelock,” Downey said without turning around. “I need to talk to Winvoe and you’ve been no help at all.”

Being hugged by Lord Vetinari felt a bit like a coat rack falling over on top of you.

“It’s too warm out for you to be wearing this cloak. Have you got a fever?”

“Oh no, I’ve just got a vasospastic condition resulting from arsenic poisoning.”

Downey knew that nearly anything that could have happened to Vetinari due to arsenic poisoning was much more likely to have happened for other reasons, but that didn’t make him feel any better.

“It’s warm in here, anyway,” Vetinari shrugged. “You’ve got a good fire.”

“I keep being interrupted and then I keep making people coffee so I don’t have to go back to doing work.”

“That’s ridiculous.” 

Downey realized Vetinari was talking to his dogs.

“Did he really?”

“What are they saying?”

“Saying you forgot to feed them.”

“You don’t have to speak canine to know that they’re lying.”

Vetinari stood up. “I’ll go see the bursar.”

“You go do that.” Downey smiled. “And stop bothering my dogs.”

Vetinari returned fifteen minutes later. “It is as I feared. He has contracted Mathematics. There is no known cure.”

“Is there a Guild of Mathematicians?”

“They do one better, they’ve got axiomatic set theory.”

Downey stared at the ceiling and finally said “I can’t turn Winvoe out of the Guild. This is his home.”

“I am a great proponent of liberal arts education. Who’s to say that does not include mathematics?”

“You. You’re literally the only person saying that. Centuries of counting mathematics as an art fall before Havelock Vetinari filing mathematics under ‘Science, Technology, Engineering and Things the Patrician Is Bad At.’”

“That... may not be entirely uncalled for, but you know what I mean.”

“I do. I suppose I should be looking for another bursar?”

Vetinari looked at the depleted coffee supply. “I wonder how many of the students who came by were thinking how well they could do the job themselves. These problems are manageable. You just have to keep from losing momentum.”

Downey reached for Vetinari’s hand. “Stay the night? Please? Either that or promise you’ll keep your room warm enough up there.”

“I’ll stay. Why not?”

“Thank you.”

Downey had soft blankets on his bed. Some expensive variety of wool.

Vetinari was struck by a wave of memory touching them, as intensely as was triggered by smell for most people.

_A game of truth or dare. Havelock only ever choosing truth. Downey kissing someone blindfolded._

“Don’t you ever feel like you haven’t gone anywhere?”

“To be fair, you have only gone across the street.”

“We have done so much, though, haven’t we?”

**Author's Note:**

> Winvoe was trying to turn the paperwork into proofs


End file.
